So you’ve been invited to a holiday party. Hopefully, your host was kind enough to throw “bring a dessert or drink to share” at the bottom of the invitation, freeing you from any anxiety about whether you should show up with something. But if they didn’t, you might be left in that familiar Season of Giving limbo: A sense that you’re obligated to arrive with a token of appreciation for the host for letting you sit on their sofa and sip from their cocktail glasses.

We’re talking about the “host gift,” “hosting gift.” If you’ve scrolled through shopping websites and social media, you’ve likely seen dozens of ideas for little treats or fancy wares guests are supposed to gift to the person throwing a party.

But are host gifts truly traditional or a fad the fades in and out of popularity? Are they mandatory or just something we made up? We emailed and spoke with etiquette and lifestyle experts about how to be a great holiday party guest and host, and found some consensus as well as some dissent among their opinions on host gifts, including from our source representing one of the most venerated etiquette experts of all time. Here’s what they had to say:

For some people, bringing a gift is either a traditional or cultural part of the holidays, or simply how they were raised. Food content creator and Cookbook Club host Stephanie Lau says not to show up empty-handed, even if the host says “just bring yourself.” Lau cites the practice of arriving with a gift specifically for the host as a Chinese tradition adopted from her parents and grandparents. “I always gift fruit, chocolate, tea, flowers, a bottle of wine or snacks I’ve been loving, so that my host can wind down and enjoy it after a long night.”

Echoing that sentiment, food and lifestyle photographer, content creator and plant-based recipe developer Chloé Crane-Leroux says the more personal the gift the better. “When you’re bringing a gift, try to make it thoughtful but not over the top. Maybe a beautiful jar of infused olive oil from a local market or a cookbook that you’ve fallen in love with (I’m biased, but gifting a cookbook is like sharing your heart and kitchen).”

“Bring a small thank-you gift — whether it’s a set of coasters, a coffee mug with hot cocoa, homemade cookies, or even a thoughtful note,” Elaine Swann, lifestyle and etiquette expert, author and founder of The Swann School of Protocol, recommends something on the small or personal side as well. Swann emphasizes, “It’s not about the price, it’s about saying, ‘I appreciate the effort you put into making this special.’”

Vivian Tu, a financial literacy and lifestyle expert and founder of YourRichBFF, agrees that you don’t have to go all-out on a host gift like a $120 bottle of Champagne for every party you attend, but that it’s important to show gratitude in some way. “Whether it’s a quick text to ask if you can bring any last-minute items like cups or napkins, or showing up early to help in lieu of bringing a gift, offer your time or a contribution that everyone can enjoy.”

And while a bottle of wine might be the go-to gift idea you have in your head, Victoria Watters, co-founder of the alcohol alternatives guide Dry Atlas says it’s time to rethink that. “In 2024, we can’t assume everyone wants an alcoholic host gift. If you’re unsure, a high-quality non-alcoholic beverage can be a fantastic option. Think a beautifully-packaged non-alcoholic aperitif, or a premium bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling wine. If there aren’t options like these near you, a box of premium chocolates can be a fantastic choice, too.”

Despite the seeming consensus on the matter among most of our experts, one perspective stuck out. Lizzie Post, author, co-president of the Emily Post Institute, and co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast (and great-great-granddaughter of reigning authority on etiquette Emily Post) says, bluntly, “guests are not required to bring hosting gifts.”

“The one message I want to get across is that you, a guest, are not a burden,” Post says. “You are invited. Someone said ‘I want to put something together, and I want you to be the recipient.’ You don’t have to show up with anything except what you offered to bring or were asked to bring, like if it’s a potluck. There is nothing rude about RSVPing and not asking or offering to bring anything. Your enthusiastic reply should be enough.”

For hosts assuming their party invitation will also invite a transactional situation with their guests, Post clarifies, “No host should be expecting a hosting gift — it’s always a surprise and a delight, not a must.”

If that doesn't hammer the point home hard enough, Lizzie Post also recalls coming across recordings of Emily Post’s old write-in radio advice show in the Library of Congress, and in one episode Emily herself even says guests shouldn’t bring the host anything, as doing so would be to assume their hospitality required some sort of bribe. In other words, it could even be considered rude.

Now, whether Emily Post’s permission to arrive at a party with nothing can win out over your own sense of obligation is another issue.

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